BEEN  FOREVER

since I blogged.  Well I am not sure why I am blogging this evening.  It is Sunday night the house is quiet and I probably should be packing lunches.  I guess I want cyberspace to know how the heck I am doing.  I am not sure if anyone blogs anymore anyway.  I guess they probably do but who has time.  With all the kids back in school this is the first year in a long time that I have had a consistent job.  One that takes up 25 hours a week+.  I am lucky to get to work from home and stash candy in my desk drawer so I can put on the pounds btw phone calls.  I have been pretty much too busy to do anything but work, teach yoga, raise kids, clean, wash, cook, and sleep.  I guess that is what life is suppose to be for me right now.  I often think why?  Why are things happening when they do.  The other day my work computer crashed. I went crazy!  There was not a minute in the day to spare I had not time to sit on the phone waiting for the help desk to answer my call nor did I have time to drive downtown and drop it off at corporate.  I all worked out the next day and I look back at my behavior and stress level.  really?  why did I get so upset.  The Lord gives us these challenges in life to help us grow and learn.  He gives us friends and loved ones to support us to help us see life in a different perspective.  I hope as the days and months go by I can get into my groove and relax and enjoy the simple things in life.  Isn't that what it is all about....LOVE.

Happy New Year

I am all about making positive changes in my life. I like to eat healthy, practice yoga, watch TV, have a little diet coke, sleep in until 9, avoid unnecessary stress, and so on. So, why is it that I have to make changes just because it is the "new year" I find it ridiculous that people flock to the gyms on Jan 1. If you really wanted to get healthy why the heck didn't you go to the gym on Dec 20th? or Sept 25? or even Nov 1st? We are to live our lives to the fullest everyday not just make changes on a marked calendar date. If I want to do something I will do it when I darn well please to and so should you. If you don't want to eat healthy today don't. Have a piece of chocolate and some captain crunch for breakfast. (guilty :() Now i will get off of my soap box and say Happy new year to all. And enjoy your freedom

Skillet 2

Well I guess it is my lucky day. I just got back from meeting with my dear sister-in-law and find a package at my front door with no card? A NEW skillet! I see that someone out there has a heart and was kind enough to provide the K family with a well needed item. So if you are reading this, I know that you love me and I thank you for you random act of kindness.
Yes, I am so excited to have a new skillet but even more touched that someone out there cares about me. I often go through phases in life where I want to be invisible. I want all to know that I do not do this to be mean or unkind towards others. I think that the big scar I have inside has never healed from childhood and I want to hide my weaknesses. I have learned how to solve many things in my life, but some I have not found the answers to.
Thanks to those who stick with me through the hard times and I am truly thankful to my Savior who has never left my side no matter how much I push away.

Skillet

I need to purchase a new skillet. The nice expensive skillet I purchased from P Chef is a piece of crapola. The Teflon is coming off the bottom and I fear for my children's lives. Well not really because I never use it anyway. So I go to make hamburger helper and I look at her all scraped on the bottom. I can't toss her and I can't contaminate my kids with poison. I grab the a smller version and go for it. If you don't know me, I do not like being in the kitchen and cooking. I am not good at it and if I had it my way I would have everything freshly made with a nice looking chef providing me my meals. I don't enjoy it but here I go because it is my "duty" BLAH!
Start the meat going okay, pour pasta in, then goes the liquid and oh no too small. Really, did I not tell myself it wasn't going to work? Filled to the rim and can't stir. (This is why I don't like to cook) Splatter and boy what a mess I have now. I put the lid on so I can't see it. What you don't see won't hurt you.
Yummy hamburger helper!

You ask why don't you just go and get a new skillet and toss her out? Someday :)

Curious

Curious is the word of the month for #3 (my only girl who happens to be 10)

It started on a snow day. I noticed at little lid filled with white stuff. It looked like conditioner and soap mixed together. Of course this was in my bathroom which everyone uses. I don't understand why I bought a house with 3 full bathrooms. Anyway, it smelled suspicious. I left it there thinking #3 is up to something and I have to get some answers. I looked at the top of her blonde head and there was a strip about an inch and a half wide of bleached hair. It was bleach in the cup AH HA! I said what in world did you do to your hair? she didn't want to talk about it or course and I didn't want to embarrass her in front of her friend, so I chalked it as being...curious.

It was another snow day when I noticed a jar of Betty Crocker frosting out of its place in the pantry. HMMM I thought, opened the lid and BAM!, someone was "finger-licking" the frosting and put it back on the shelf. I lined them up 1-2-3-4, who did it?
#1 Not me #2 Not me #3 smile? 4 Not me.....BUSTED #3.
Go get 2 bucks you are paying for it. She scrouged up money and I said, it is yours put it in the fridge and enjoy.

On another snow day, I went into the pantry and yet another jar of frosting now with a knife in it for easier chocolate dipping was tampered with. Are you kidding me girl friend! She immediately ran to her room to find change to pay for it and I said hold on sister we aren't going that route this time. Obviously, I didn't choose the right punishment to fit the crime. Go get the cake mix and bake a cake or cupcakes and put that frosting to good use (this wold also fix my cravings as I LOVE cupcakes)
Cupcakes it was and she did the whole thing herself. I was quite proud of her. She liked it so much she baked a cake 3 days later so her mom could pick at it all-day-long! Calorie free-NOT!

Now, it is that time of the month and you know your supply and have counted from the last month of what you think you have left to last you for the week. I look in the closet and someone took apart my stuff. My first thought didn't go to her it went to curious boys. I didn't say anything and figured who ever did it would come to me. I was putting some things away in #3's desk drawer and 3 more mangled "stuff". Really? these things aren't cheap isn't one enough to be curious with? I asked her why? She said "mom i just wanted to know what they are". I said isn't one enough to be curious with? You didn't get your "." did you? EWE mom, as #4 who is running around saying "." what is a "." what is that "stuff". Thoroughly embarrassed by her mother and younger brother she storms down the steps to avoid the situation. I yell down "now come to me when you really need to use them and you get your"."!
Icing on the cake!
why did the curious fairy have to go that route? really?

Loss

Did you ever lose something of value, something that had sentimental value.
It was an oridanry day and I was getting out of the shower, went to the sink and gasp! I grabbed my neck...it was gone. I looked on the ground and in the shower no where to be found. Ran over to the bed pulled the sheets off ...nothing. When, where, why? It was a perminant fixture on my neck, I always wore it, always. Since 2004 when I went to Hawaii with the B-man. I remember seeing it and I said to him oh isn't it me? It was a very modest price nothing fancy about it. It was who I am and what I love. It was joined by something dear to my heart. A little gold piece about half the size of my pinkie nail, engraved with something else dear to my heart. It was my grandmother's and she didn't have much when she passed away. Her belongings were scattered down in my aunt's basement and after everyone picked through her stuff I found it. It was a treasure that no one found. It was in a little box with some other Cathloic saint's pieces. It was so tiny, but had a little hole at the top that was able to hook on my necklace and fit so perfectly behind my palmtree. I often would grab it and feel it and remember the love she had for me. We had a connection, I am not sure why it was so special. I was the third of the many grandchildren she had. It was a spiritual connection that maybe others didn't have. I was able to complete her temple work a few years ago and it was more powerful than anything I have felt in the temple before.
Knowing that it can never be replaced I guess is the sad part. It is like losing her all over again. Selfish it may be, but feelings are not to be denied. The pain will pass and it happened for a reasons which I may never know. So, as for now, my neck will be barren. My hand will go to touch and feel nothing. But, knowing that I can reach for my heart and the things I love are inside brings comfort no material object can.

Sentimental

resulting from feeling rather than reason or thought.

Kind of feeling that word lately. Not sure what it meant so i looked it up and yeah i am feeling sentimental for no reason just because. Well lets back up a few months my friends.

I am not sure if it was the drugs from the surgery or if it was just me thinking, but I had a vision. Nothing spiritual just a vision, the future , what the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life. I get bored very easily that is why I like to watch reality shows I get into the action and drama especially when I am bored with my life. I am sure I could clean my house a tooth brush, or put those 700 + digital pictures in a scrapbook, or volunteer at school (blah), or even go for a run.....boring. So I thought why not go back to school....screech.

A challenge, YES! It was easy to think about it, do a little investigation and even
start to study math my worst subject. No pressure just lounging at the pool adding and subtracting fractions easy and the cobwebs started to dissipate. I was actually using parts of my brain that have been dormant for years. I could see why Mr. Nachman wanted me to learn the basics of math so I could go to grad school...ha.

So, my brain kept a thinking. Not a good thing because it said why don't you sign up to take the GRE. I began to study and study and pray and study and manage kids and study and eat and study, and yoga and pray and study and read words that I had no idea the meaning of and study and go to the library (what haven't seen that place in years, nice) and studied. I seemed to inspire a few friends in the process as I blew them off to study. Sorry:(

I was really getting into the swing of things. I remembered what it was like to manage time and family and myself. I wasn't bored anymore... amazing.

Test day Sept 30th. Everyone I had some in contact with were sending prayers up, at least that is what I was led to believe. Even the dude I met at the library made a note on his workbook to PRAY FOR CHERYL SEPT 30 AT 1pm. I felt ready, my man took off work to drive me up, please stay I pleaded to him I didn't want to be alone, but no one was allow to stay in the facility, ya know cheaters have to ruin it for everyone else. So, I went in and realized I didn't have any lucky charms on my I wasn't even allow to take my pencil in with me it was like fort Knox. I was so nervous then I sat down at my cubical ...it was #7...AHHHHH. NO way I can't sit here, it must not be. Why dear Lord was I at #7, was I on candid camera or something? this is a cruel joke. I did have time to cry about it so I started the test. I looked like the other mock tests I had practiced on but this was for REAL.

First there was an essay 45min...banged it out...next another essay 30min...banged it out. They did give these goofy looking 70's stereo earmuffs to block out the noise I used them and then the mom in me kicked in EWWW did they sanitize these. Gross I can't wear them, but every ones typing got me baffled so I gritted my teeth and shoved them over my ears figuring I would scrub down later first things first.

Then the option to take a 10 min break. It gave you 10 seconds to decide or move on. PANIC should I stay or should I go? What if I took 11 min and screwed the whole test up, oh my... CLICK I am moving on.

Verbal, my lack of reading tells it all..30 min done. Quantivie Math, no calculators just my brain and me. I studied this the most... 45 min done.

Then a bunch a who ha questions and where I wanted the results sent. Really I have to choose all of that before I get my scores. Not fair I say, Vanderbilt? What are you thinking girl? You went to a state school in PA, how the heck are you going to get into Vanderbilt University's Advanced Nurse Practitioner Program. DREAM ON!

Such a rush of accomplishment, I called the B-man and said I am done where are you? At home he says...I was not happy about that at all I just wanted a big hug from my best friend where was he? I was hungry and stuck somewhere in Nashville in the middle of no where. I just started to walk and cry and if I didn't look like a fool I would have done several sun salutations to release all of those toxic feelings. I walked around and found a subway, went to the bathroom and crying a little bit more got a sandwich and a well deserved diet soda. Should have know it would be diet pepsi..blah but it went down just fine due to the circimstances. He came and we embraced and I cried a little more. He boosted my confidence as he has the whole journey. He really is a good guy and I am so glad he is mine. He loves me no matter how uneducated I am.

So here we are today OCT 15th feeling bored and sentimental (what ever that means I forgot since looking it up 10 min ago) I feel like my bubble has exploded I don't really want to go to school full-time for 2 years. Am I being self fish or just scared and turning away from failure before it hits me hard and Vandy says HA at my test scores and I have to walk away with my tail between my legs. I don't care to be rejected at this point in my life. That is why GOD made teenagers I they are certainly filling that void in my life lately. I feel that I am a good person and don't want to be judged on how smart I am. I have a lot to give to people out there. I have been put here to serve others I know for a fact the that is my calling in life.

What is the next chapter in my life? Certainly not that test again that has been checked off the bucket list for sure. Enjoy the music!